2: Oh hi. Didn’t see you there.

1: Just kidding! We’ve been in the back of the audience the entire time!

2: Now none of you know where we’re coming from or what we’re going to do!

1: But seriously, before we get too ahead of ourselves, we'd just like to mention a little about our Duoing this year. We began, as many teams did, waiting patiently to win with a decent piece. But of course, with Holiday Shipping rearing its ugly, non-seasonally spirited head… (2 taps toe, looks at wristwatch, then notices Holiday Shipping’s rearing head and follows it up, then points as he says)

2: Ha… That UPS guy really had a good one liner. It went a little something like this: “No, it hasn’t shipped yet you… Ex speaking, Informative, Prose…Anally compelled Forensicator!” Oh, wait till scene 3 and that will all make sense.

1: Then, last week, we came across this obscure little play written by two guys about Duo Interpretation. We tried it out and since then, our coach has received numerous warnings from our administration telling us to never do it again.

2: A threat of castration via their rusty scissors. (2 whimpers, crossing legs)

1: Yes, an actual omen. We tried to abide by his wishes as much as possible, but that didn't work well for anyone. (mimes castration during preceding line. Wipes hands or pretends to wash them on “So”) So... this Duo presentation, like so much of creation, is “NotArt”. How to interpret...

1: How to interpret... (1 repeats line exactly same way, including head turn)

1: How to interpret... (repeat process, embarrassed 2 explains the situation)

2: Oh, he sometimes skips when he doesn’t practice enough. (Slaps 1’s face)

1: How to Interpret Dually. (waking up, and 2 is relieved)

2: An interactive dialysis of that crazy pop-culture phenomenon known as Duo Interpretation!

1: Dialysis: The process by which the kidneys, unable to drain themselves, are drained utilizing heavy machinery?

2: Yes. (turning to 1, with disdain)

1: Just checking. Carry on.

2: No, YOU carry on.

1: Oh, right. Scene one: The introductory intro, where you, the performer, will do something like this: (2 raises finger for chapter one, then points at performer)

[INTRO HERE]

1&2: Scene 2!

2: Transitions! Now, the transition is the only part of your long, bland presentation where you, the performer, have the ability to interject the least bit of originality into your long, boring piece.

1: What does this mean to you, the performer? (2 shrugs and points)

2: Well, it most likely means that you, the performer, will do something like this: (1 points)

(Fake and obnoxious transitions, dancing, karate miming, jumping in a circle, etc)

2: Now imagine that happening at LEAST seven times in the next (looks at wrist) ten minutes. That would make you spiritually vacant enough to actually want to judge a prose round.

1: So for the sake of keeping everyone’s sanity in the room intact for at least the moment, we’ll be doing a rather minimalist transition, like this.

1&2: WHOOSH! WHOOSH! (DBZ fusion poses) Scene 3! (repeat page turns)

1: Cursing! Yes, there are nearly thousands of words designed to offend you, your partner, your mother, your judge's mother, and both of their dogs! How do you use these words? Well that’s easy. You just belt ‘em out like this: Fu-

2: NO! You cannot say that word! Well, in any case it's totally against MSHSL rules to change words in your piece, so if you want to avoid offending yourself, your partner, your mother, your judge's mother, and both of their dogs, you can't just go around saying things like 'Shucky-ding-dang-darn-diddly-HECK!' Instead of HECK, you'd say...

1: Ermmmm...ehhh...

2: C'mon, say it! Out loud!

1: Vampire?

2: No! Ummmmm, what the opposite of Heck? (indicating floor)

1: Oh, Heaven!

2: No! Ummm let's see...Ah, okay, this is a BAD place. Nobody would ever want to go there and you’re judged for every little thing you do...

1: Oh Tumblr!

2: No! Well, actually it’s kind of like Tumblr, but people know even less about current events.

1: OH! EX SPEAKING!

2: Exactly! I told you to wait till scene 3!

1: But wouldn't it be easier just to choose a piece with little to no cursing in it?

1&2: (both shrug) Ehh.

1&2: WHOOSH! WHOOSH! Scene 4! (repeat page turn)

2: Choosing an appropriate piece! Now, your coach will no doubt tell you that he has books and books of simply marvelous pieces just for you. He's a lying sack of filth. Or, at least that's the case with our own resident [describe coach] bigwig.

1: Age unknown.

2: So, in the end, you're better off just going to your local Barnes & Noble bookseller, and reading, though not buying, every play they have. These, of course, will all be terrible. Almost as terrible as:

1: A Holocaust of 9/11s.

2: NO! What does that even mean?

1: Doesn’t matter. The point is there'll be all manner of pieces that just aren't feasible to do, such as (turns around on “such as”)

2: Jurassic Park. By Michael Chrichton…With some artistic liberties.

1: (Atlantic accent) Now I am a big shot lawyer, see, so I’m just gonna sit on this here port-o-john until something humorous happens, such as me getting eaten by a dinosaur. (2 begins to stalk as velociraptor, 1 sits down, 2 knocks at door) Good luck, ya scaly lummox! Everyone knows dinosaurs can’t open doors  (2 kicks open door, eats 1, who screams and spins behind 2) Pieces that have one-sided dialogue tend to be terrible choices, such as what happens when one character ingests the other.

2: So, anyway, you'll keep going back to your coach, whining about your total lack of a piece, and he'll keep making copy after copy of every terrible play. When, one day, you'll be reading [terrible and overdone piece], and you'll say 'HEY! We could DO this! In fact, we could DUO this!' And you'll show it to your friend, and give it to your coach, who'll make enough copies to choke an Extempt box. Then you'll cut it down to ten minutes, and practice it…

1: Well anyways, it's also good to choose a piece that’s what? (over-exaggeratedly cups hand to ear towards audience and pauses a moment. Upon realizing no-one will answer, they speak) Yeah, thanks for nothing. It’s funny. It’s good to have a piece that’s funny and has a plot that makes sense! And isn’t by [overdone author]. I swear to God, if I hear [his/her] name one more time I’m quitting! I’m done!

2: Wait… Funny and makes sense… What’s that make our piece?

1:Not the time! Anyway, what I was trying to get at was...

1:Scene 9. 2: Scene 5

1:NINE! The conclusion.

2: Wait a minute… Duo conference… (both crouch and shuffle closer together) What the actual humorous are you doing? What the storytelling happened to scenes 5,6...Half our piece???

1: Enh, they were just chuckle jokes and (points at clock) clock?

2: Oh...oh…

1: AGH! The cursing jokes were in scene 3, remember?

2: Ah, you’re right, sorry. We better cut this quick then.

1: Yeah.

2: What scene are we on again now?

1: Scene 9.

2: (Rushed, almost in a panic, but still trying to remain cool) Scene 9.

1: The conclusion. Sadly, every duo presentation must come to an end. Some conclusions are witty, some are touching, and some (Both glare at predetermined competitors)

1&2: Are not.

2: A tried and true mainstay of the classic duo conclusion is merely the simple:

1&2: Thank you. (Lower heads, wait 3 seconds)

1: I bet you thought the piece was over, but you were WRONG! (point at someone who was clapping)  That's right, the piece marches ON! (Walks around, ministry of silly walks style. continues until the “Max Power” line)

2: Becau- (1 screams from self-hype) Because there are two ways to end a speech. The right way, which we have just shown you, and the wrong way, which we will NOT. SHOW YOU.

1: And the Max Power (Shia Lebeouf “do it squat. Puts on clinic of karate skills until “faster”) way!

2: Wait, isn’t the Max Power way just the wrong way?

1: Yeah but it’s faster.

2: But you’re not going to do it.

1: Ohhhhh I’m doing it. It goes a little something like this:

2: Oh my God…

1: Don’t give them the one. (1 looks deep into eyes of judge, points at another group) And for God’s sake, don’t give THEM the one! Are you kidding? (points at another group) Did you see their intro? SOOOOO 2013. (fashionista gay guy pasha) Grrrrl. Those shoes? With that top? (waitress voice and posture) Hon, this ain’t mock trial. Give us the one! We. Deserve. The one.

2: (Screams in agony) STOP! Now, as a person who is actually IN MOCK TRIAL, no offense, but I can say you have Fully. Argued. Your point. So. Stop.

1: Fine. so there you have it ladies and gentlemen. This has been:

1&2:How to Interpret Dually

(As bowing, 1, wipes nose and lifts up a finger for one to the judges, 2 fake sneezes saying “Give us the 1”)

FIN