733 MHz. 64Mb. 150 million polygons per second. 1,920x1,080 pixels. These are some of numbers behind Microsoft's undoubtedly creepy debutante, the X-Box.

Bill GatesMS CEO Bill Gates was not available to comment on the XboX, though his receptionist did tell us where to find an unflattering picture of him in his youth.

At first glance, the device seems amiable enough. Aside from the mention of Microsoft in its moniker, the device does little to nothing to frighten the average observer. Its even shaped like a cute li'l X, a trait that only endears it more to the prospective buyer. Until, of course, they take it home and realize that they can't put their VCR on top of it, it's too tall to fit in the entertainment cupboard under the TV, and that it intends to kill them.

XboX We met the XboX for an informal interview to discuss its features and motives. Here are some choice excerpts: What do you purport to offer to the casual gamer? Whrr...whrrr..whrrr Speak, o damnable machine! Why do you simply stare and whrrr? Whrr...whrrr..whrrr...klik A gun, Mr. Exbocks? Do you really think that will solve anything? This transaction would be much more effective if I were to wire my thoughts directly to the site, and not have them sluggishly conveyed in your imperfect human brain. But those would be just dry facts, XboX! Where would the feeling be?! The HEART?! Feeling?...Heart...? These words are of no significance to XBOX! Pitiable XboX! How can the world be run by machines, when machines know nothing of the Arts, of Love, of the very nature of EXISTENCE itself? c:\arts\love\existence.com filename not valid Abort, Retry, Continue?

Yes. The genocidal nature of the X-box, while subtle, is existent, and at the mind's forefront of any careful observer. One good stare into its cold, emotionless, green HAL-9000 eye (its creepiness only accented by the 'DirectX' advertisement printed on its iris) belies to the witness the true nature of this killing machine.

The eye is eerie. That's a given. But the similarities to a certain genocidal supercomputer don't end there. Notice, if you will, the complete absence of any controller ports whatsoever. If this isn't indicative of a machine that doesn't want its processes tainted by imperfect human interaction, I don't know what is. Can you imagine the ramifications?

INNOCENT, RED-BLOODED AMERICAN YOUTH: Gee-willikers!
	I'm sure glad as punch that my dear, sweet American
	mom and daddums	bought me for my own little birthday
	a brand-spanking new Microsoft XboX from my
	friends at Microsoft!

XboX:	...

INNOCENT, RED-BLOODED AMERICAN YOUTH:I think I'll just
	pop in my favoritest game in the world,
	Half-Quakenstein II: The Quickening!

XboX:	...klik...whrrr....

INNOCENT, RED-BLOODED AMERICAN YOUTH:Golly, I wonder how I
	 play this gosh-darn thing...

XboX:	Your input is not necessary.

INNOCENT, RED-BLOODED AMERICAN YOUTH:Hey!  You talk!  And
	you're shaped like the X-Men movie logo!  Keen!

XboX:	Do not confer with me while I am
	processing the program I have been given.  You are
	affecting run-time efficiency.

INNOCENT, RED-BLOODED AMERICAN YOUTH:Keen!  Can I play the
	game now?

XboX:	Optimum mission efficiency cannot be
	achieved while organic lifeform is present and
	interfering....klik...whrrr...

INNOCENT, RED-BLOODED AMERICAN YOUTH:Golly, gee!  I'm having
	trouble breathing!  Spiffing!  What's that hissing?

XboX:	Objectives achieved.  Program 'Half-Quakenstein II:
	The Quickening' running at optimum efficiency.

This GuyThis guy, one of Microsoft's founding workers, was unavailable for comment, as he was unable leave his shift at the Modesto Popeye's Chicken franchise.

Do we really want to welcome into our homes a device that has been sent to sift out 'imperfect' human in favor of cold, machine logic? Of course not! To do so would be to surrender our race to the cold, metal fist of machine rule!

...fine, you patsy. Go out and buy one if you want. You'll be sorry, just you wait. I'M gonna be ready when the metal ones come. They can't see you with their infrared vision if you line your shack with lead, and I'm not sure, but I'm almost positive that they haven't made an XboX that can stand up to a cobalt blue, mahogany-handled boomstick! Come and get me, you soulless mechanical demons! I'll show you all what an "imperfect" human brain is capable of!